Today marks the day that I arrived into the arms of my parents at the Buffalo International Airport… 37 years ago.
My parents have always told me, each in their own way, how much they loved me before they even laid eyes on me. While I had a cognitive understanding of their statement, I never truly comprehended the enormity of that until recently.
As I sit and type, I look over and see my sleeping son. MY son. It remains for me a continuously euphoric and surreal realization that this beautiful little boy is my son… My flesh and blood. My biological connection. The beauty of him, and all the joy he gives me, brings tears to my eyes on a daily basis. I fell in love with him when we conceived him…. and that love only grew more intensely as he grew for those 9 months in utero. As I waited those 9 months to hold him, I truly understood now where my parents were coming from.
With the elation of being a mom, comes a deeper understanding regarding my birth mom. It is only now that I have fully realized the sacrifice, to its fullest extent, that my own birth mother made for me. She put me into an orphanage at 4 months of age. Why? One can speculate and say it was because she did not want me. I used to feel that way and I was stuck in anger for a long time, because I believed that. Now that I am a mom, I simply cannot believe that. I look at my son and feel the way my heart explodes in love for him more and more each day and I know, in my heart of hearts, that the day my birth mother left me at that unknown orphanage in 1975, at 4 months of age, was the hardest and most painful day of her existence. It makes my heart ache to think that she has lived every day since wondering if I am safe. Wondering if I am loved. Wondering if I am alive. It makes my heart ache to know that I can’t reassure her that yes, I am safe. Yes, I am loved. Yes, I am alive.
Today, if I could have one wish on Mother’s Day, it would be to have the ability to ease the pain from her heart. To her, I would say:
Please have no more pain in wondering if I am alive. I couldn’t be more alive than I am today. I am safe. I am deeply loved more than I ever would have thought possible.
Thank you for loving me so completely…. So selflessly…. Thank you for loving me so much that you risked living the rest of your life in misery over the loss of me in order to save me. Please let your heart be at peace in knowing that you saved me. You saved your daughter’s life that fateful day.
And to my adoptive mother, I say thank you. Thank you for fighting so hard for a sick, malnourished little girl you never met. Thank you for showering me with unconditional love to this day. Thank you for loving me every day. Thank you for raising me in a loving environment. Thank you for continuing to love me even when I did not love myself. Thank you for all your sacrifices. I only hope that I can be half the mom that you have been to me…
It would be the presumption that I, as a parent, will be teaching my son about life. However, my son, at 6 months of age, has taught me. He has given me the deepest appreciation and value in the sacrifice my birth mother made for me…. He has given me the biggest gift of all. Understanding. True and total understanding….. He has shown me, and continuously shows me, how far A Mother’s Love truly goes.
And so, to you, my son… my dearest little Sweetpea:
I promise you the purest and deepest love my heart can give. While I cannot promise that I can protect you from everything, I promise you that I will be here to hold you, to listen to you, to be your shelter in the storm and to be your rock when the world is rough. I promise you unconditional love. I promise you kindness. I promise you honesty. I promise you healthy boundaries and strong values… And I promise you that I will do everything I can to be the best mother to you in the ways that both of my mothers have modeled for me. I will protect you with my life. Always.
A Mother’s Love… The Love of these three mothers knows no boundaries.