Reflecting

My son is 7 months old today…. Only three months older than I was when my birth mother gave me to the orphanage 38 years ago. This morning, as I was watching my son nurse, tears came to my eyes as I tried to even remotely fathom how my birth mother found the strength within herself to sacrifice all she had to in order to give me up and save my life. I cannot even begin to imagine.
I have really been struggling with moving Aidan into his own room, but we just did that this weekend. I have a lot of my own issues surrounding separation anxiety. Much of that is related to my own abandonment, but I have to question how much of it is just “normal” for a 1st-time mom? Part of me wants to speculate if I would be so anxious about leaving Aidan if I didn’t have abandonment issues, but what’s the point of “what if’ing” that situation? It is what it is. 

Every day I am thankful for Aidan. Thankful for his safety, his healthy development, his adorable personality, his laughter, the love he gives us… When I look at him, I can’t help but hurt for my birth mother. I can’t help but wonder, as I sometimes stress over whether or not I will be able to provide for my son the way I want to, what she has experienced since she gave me up so many years ago…. the type of stress she must have experienced, or is currently experiencing. What her life must be like as she lives every day wondering if I am okay.. IF she wonders every day if I am okay.

I am unsure as to where this documentary will go, but I know that even if Kickstarter doesn’t work out, the documentary will still move forward; albeit on a smaller scale. Either way, any movement forward will help me feel as if I am doing what I can, within my means, to locate my birth mother… all I can do is try… I just wish I had made efforts to do so sooner.
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